i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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