Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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