mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
