I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
