I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
