You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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