when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm bleeding and have questions
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
