He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
