She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
