Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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