Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize