3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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