Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
