dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
