who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
