I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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