I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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