Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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