i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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