I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
