All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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