don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
