Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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