I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
