can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
