My Higher Power is John Stamos
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
