It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
