Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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