I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
