I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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