I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
