he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize