The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
