from now on my penis is your penis
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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