Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
