his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
