just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
