either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
