god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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