Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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