Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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