So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
