We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
