Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
