I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
