I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
