Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
