a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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