Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
