clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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