I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize