My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
