the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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