Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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