Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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