For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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