Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
