You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
