he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
