I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
third nipple confirmed
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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